Monday, September 24

airing my dirty laundry...

For me, blue jean shopping is like shopping for that perpetually elusive and stunningly perfect bathing suit that makes me look like I'm 27 years younger, 10 feet taller, tan, and that I just casually sauntered off the pages of the latest Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition magazine where I was the star attraction. This mythical and stunningly perfect bathing suit (and blue jeans... I'm just gonna throw in "blue jeans" so I'm not venturing off of my subject so early in my post) should disguise all imperfections, dents and dings - instantly make me look as if I've lost that pesky 400 pounds that just persists in stalking me and WILL NOT cease and desist! The flabbergastingly stunningly perfect bathing suit (and blue jeans) should and WILL hide my excessive Little Debbie Zebra Cake consumption (which could explain that pesky poundage), and... give me the over-all appearance of being a Victoria's Secret model in a teeny tiny polka-dot bikini with legs a mile long, a non-Little Debbie Zebra Cake belly... it will impede all wiggle that's in my jiggle and provide me with the ability to walk the cat-walk in my teeny tiny polka-dot bikini with my legs that are a mile long and not fall flat on my face because i tripped over a dust bunny that was not visible to the naked eye... and great hair.

blue jean shopping is pretty traumatic for me.

I can go for months WEEKS to various stores trying on EVERY. SINGLE. PAIR. of blue jeans that whatever store I'm in carries, and walk out empty handed (and still in HORRIBLE jeans) because not one pair fit right.

THIS (pointing at myself) baby's got BACKI'm toooooo old something for sparkles on my tailgate... I'm toooooo old something for buttons on the aforementioned tailgate that has dropped and taken a detour SOUTH without my permission to do so.


It turns out I have a waist... my hips are larger than my waist... my legs are long...  and THIS (still pointing at myself...) baby's got back.

And "the GAP"? No... not "THE Gap"... I'm talkin' about the "I'm not a plumber but I pretend to be one by wearing these jeans" gap... you know what i'm talkin' about.

Have you felt my "I really need and want a pair of jeans that FIT" pain? Please tell me I'm not alone.


I FOUND SOME BLUE JEANS! YAY!!! I took 11 pair of jeans in to the dressing room (yes, I said ELEVEN pair of jeans) and came out with one pair that fits!!! The Levi's 529 CURVY fit. Seriously - they are beyond blue jean greatness and you need to own a pair (or 3)!

How long has it been since you have owned a pair of Levi's? I don't remember EVER owning a pair of Levi's! Now?

I own 3 pair (including the dirty ones I pulled out of my laundry basket so that I could "air my dirty laundry" with you) because that's how many they had after I ransacked the racks and surrounding tables. I refuse to torture myself and get a huge complex shop for jeans for a realllllllllllllllllllllllllllly long time.

I'm not going to shop for a bathing suit either. *shudder*

Since this is not a paid advertisement for Levi's and/or Little Debbie Zebra Cakes (though Little Debbie could pay me with her Little Debbie Zebra Cakes), let me show you what else I've discovered lately:

"Rapid Wrinkle Repair"... I'm not sure how rapid it is, or how many wrinkles it might be repairing (the perfect wrinkle cream is hangin' out with that always evasive stunningly perfect bathing suit somewhere in the land of... somewhere.) but the freckles on my face look better... feel better... no oily residue and all of that other stuff that face cream bashers critics discuss. You should get some of this on your way back home from the blue jean store.

Now. If they would only make some "you will Rapidly become a Swimsuit Model over-night" cream for me... *wistful sigh goes here*

comin' to you LIVE from a single-wide where I swear on my roll of duct tape. None of this was a paid advertisement for Levi's, Little Debbie Zebra Cakes and/or Neutrogena... I just thought you should know! Read it as a "Public Service Announcement"... or "red.necks against plumber's... uhmmm.... gap".

p.s. I grabbed my jeans on sale at JC Penney... no, this is not an advertisement for JC Penney either... but if they had that unattainable and stunningly perfect swim suit with a side of Little Debbie Zebra Cakes I might consider heading up their advertising department for them.  :-D

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