Friday, February 24

mirror mirror on the wall...

Have I ever told you that I come by the whole "red.neck" thing naturally? I do...

My Grandfather. Whew - Grampy was the ORIGINAL red.neck. Heck, I'm fairly certain that McGyver was based off of Grampy's life. He could fix anything...

even if all he had was a stick of gum and a shoe lace.

And... he always had shoelaces because his fishin' hat didn't have what he thought were decent ties, so he ran some shoe laces through the hat to hold it on his head. But, that's not all... he had one of THE VERY FIRST computers hiding out in his wood-working barn... "the Mama" tells THAT story best (since she helped him build it... of course. Mirror mirror on the wall...):

First, gather up all the 1 lb. coffee cans that anyone has…even if you have to empty out what they already had in it….
Then steal a sharpie from your daughter…
Number each can until you have enough to fill the shelves of the cupboard that you made from a side of the road TV cabinet…..
Then, as you fill each can with doo-dads and thing-a-ma-bobs, you write down what is in the can in your horrendous handwriting…with a woodworkers marking pencil….on the back of an old piece of sanding machine belt….
THEN you conVINCE your beleaguered daughter to type each list on a 3X5 card that you have just purloined from her desk…..
Then you hang allllll of the cards from a shower hook (that you probably swiped from said daughter) on the front of your cabinet full of cans, and call it...
a computer!

My Grandmother – she had her red.neck moments, but they were carried out in a very delicate, lady-like way... she was definitely the Chic to his red.neck.

This leads me to my Uncle (the wheelie popper at the top of this post... need I say more?). There is WAY tooooo much reading material for one blog post so I will just sum it up with this:

oh. and note the barn in the background...
His tractor/junk COOL stuff barn is bigger than his house. Like, you can see it from the road bigger. Like... three times bigger than his house bigger. AND! That’s just ONE BARN!

My Aunt? She has had her red.neck moments, but they are always carried out in a very delicate, lady-like way... she is definitely the Chic to his red.neck. Their kids? Let’s just say... mirror mirror on the wall...

Now... let’s discuss MY parents. Starting with my Dad:

My Dad is a veritable GENIUS with all things mechanical/electrical... and pretty much all things in between. VERY resourceful. He decided a few years ago to make his own gasoline using cooking oil – or corn – something like that. His gas station? An awe-inspiring conglomeration of hot water heaters with hoses and hook-ups and... things. When he wasn’t getting the gas mileage he wanted, he made a filtration system of some kind:

Needless to say, he’s not allowed to drive down-town or anywhere near the airport 'cause of the whole pipebombresemblance thing.. When I took this picture we had run out of gas...

There are other things I remember growing up... things like:
the cats and dogs + metal trash cans they wouldn't stay out of + low voltage car batteries = flying animals.
Banjo pickin’ in the top of very large trees.
I had an electric car before electric cars were cool and I used to drive that around his TV shop like I was an Indi driver... I’m not sure what it was made out of, but you can bet your favorite pair of overalls it was as interesting as his gas station.
Last time I visited him he had a yacht parked by his house. It was taller than his house... longer than his house... you could see it on Goggle Earth. yeppppp. Oh - and in case I didn't mention it... the yacht and house is in one of the biggest cities in the United States. RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF one of the biggest cities in the United States. So far I only have a 3-legged chair and a hot pink horse parked by my house... a yacht could be next. mirror mirror on the wall...

Then we have “the Mama”.

Again – a genius. VERY resourceful. One time "the Mama" made a beautiful dress and she needed a pink pearl necklace to wear with it...

(she was raising three red.necks on her own at that point (this is important information for the next couple of sentences) and money didn't come out of the cracker jack box). So... she goes to the local dollar store – picks up some cheap plastic pearls and some Ritt dye. Voila! Pink pearls. I’m certain she was the belle of the ball.
When the Keds were so popular in the late 80s/early 90s I wanted a pair SO BAD! “the Mama” goes to the local dollar store – buys a pair of their version of Keds, grabs up her label maker...

And I had some “Keds”. Not kidding! I was the only one that knew the difference! I always sported pretty dresses with lace and fun buttons and more lace that I’m sure had curtains that matched it somewhere in the red.neck household.

Speaking of the red.neck household... have I ever told you our back door (which was really our front door because we’re red.necks) was a big – HUGEHEAVY door out of an insane asylum?

I think it even had wire stuff sandwiched in the glass. Very fitting, yes? Now for the rest of the story: "the Mama" had to find us a new door because I was mad at the oldest red.neck brother and slammed out of the house... all of us (plus some neighbor kids) were all sitting verrrrrrrry quietly in our fear and terror when she came home that night... I honestly thought she wouldn’t notice the missing glass. *shrug*

Anyway – to take away from the fact that she owned an insane asylum (complete with huge, heavy – it would have taken a bodybuildertoslamit - door), “the Mama” painted our door lipstick red.

The door on the single-wide? Lipstick red. Mirror mirror on the wall...

My Step-Dad? Not only is he the Chic to “the Mama’s” red.neck... I think he’s the Chic to ALL of us. Do you think he knew what he was getting in to when he married us?

Comin’ to you LIVE from a single-wide where when the resident teen's car bumper got smashed up in a parking lot I handed him some duct tape. He took it... and walked outside with it... mirror mirror on the wall. WE ARE OUR PARENTS AFTER ALL!!! hee-hee

p.s. if you don't hear from me for a while it's 'cause i'm still running from "the Mama" when she discovers her mug shot in this post... i might be older but i'm still skeert of her... i figure i have at least a half hour head-start... but I have to finish the pocketbook I'm making out of Hefty bags first.
Blog Widget by LinkWithin