I know that you were eager to accept my invitation to Thanksgiving dinner when you found out that the famous Martha Stewart would be joining me. However, due to scheduling conflicts beyond her control, Ms. Stewart finds that she is unable to grace my single-wide this year. With that in mind, there will be a few minor changes regarding the meal and decor, as outlined below:
The driveway will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After several trial runs and two visits from the fire department, it was decided that, no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this is Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the paper SpongeBob dinner plates, the leftover Halloween napkins, and our plastic cup collection.
The centerpiece will not be a tower of fresh fruit and flowers. Instead I will be proudly displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper and pine cones. The artist assures me it is a turkey, without wings, legs, or a beak.
My most favoritist pumpkin is from Theresa the creative genius over at 612 Riverside... isn't it GORGEOUS?!
We will be dining somewhat later than planned. I didn't know that when the Turkey package says, "pre-cooked" that does NOT mean the oven doesn't need to be turned on... the thing is still hard enough to cut diamonds. As entertainment I will play a recording of Native American tribal drumming. Curiously, the tribal drumming sounds a great deal like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, but that only enhances the holiday appropriateness.
There will be no formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask all the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.
The turkey will not be carved at the table. For safety reasons, the carving will be done in the kitchen at a private ceremony. I have a very large, very sharp knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win the battle. When I do, we will eat.
That concludes my list of alterations. Again, I apologize that Martha will not be joining us this year. Come to think of it, she probably won't come next year, either...
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!! Enjoy your day with Family and Friends...
Comin' to you LIVE from a single-wide (where I'm wanderin' around gobbling... gobble-gobble-gobble) hee-hee